I Want to Forgive, But I Can’t : A Journey Toward Healing

Forgiveness is often painted as a noble and liberating act.

We hear phrases like “forgive and forget” or “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.”

But what happens when you want to forgive, yet you just can’t seem to do it?

What if the pain runs too deep, the betrayal too fresh, or the wounds too raw?

If you’re struggling to forgive, know that you’re not alone.

Many people find themselves in this emotional battle, wanting to let go of resentment but feeling trapped by their own pain.

This post will guide you through understanding your resistance to forgiveness, overcoming the emotional barriers, and embracing healing at your own pace.

Why Is Forgiveness So Hard?

Forgiveness is not just about saying, “I forgive you.”

It involves deep emotional work, and sometimes, it feels impossible for a few reasons :

1. The Pain is Still Fresh – If you’ve recently been hurt, your emotions are still raw. Forgiveness feels like a distant concept when you’re still processing the shock.
2. Trust is Broken – Betrayal, whether in relationships, friendships, or family bonds, shakes the very foundation of trust. Letting go doesn’t mean trust is instantly restored.
3. Fear of Being Hurt Again – Forgiving someone may make you feel vulnerable. If you forgive, does it mean you have to allow this person back into your life?
4. Anger Feels Justified – Sometimes, we hold onto anger because it feels like the only thing keeping us strong. We believe that forgiving is the same as condoning what happened.
5. Lack of an Apology – It’s easier to forgive when the person who wronged you acknowledges their mistake. But what if they never apologize? What if they never even recognize the harm they caused?

The Misconceptions About Forgiveness

One reason forgiveness feels so hard is because of the many misconceptions surrounding it.

Let’s clear up a few :

• Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting – You don’t have to erase what happened or pretend it didn’t hurt. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the weight of the pain.
• Forgiving doesn’t mean reconciling – You can forgive someone and still decide that they are not healthy for your life.
• Forgiving doesn’t make you weak – In fact, it takes great strength to release resentment and move forward.
• Forgiveness is for you, not them – The person who hurt you might not even care that you’re holding onto anger. But you deserve peace.

Steps Toward Forgiveness (Even When It Feels Impossible)

Forgiveness isn’t an event; it’s a process.

Here’s how you can work through it at your own pace :

1. Acknowledge Your Pain

Before you can even think about forgiving, you have to recognize and validate your pain.

It’s okay to admit that what happened hurt you.

Suppressing emotions only makes them stronger over time.

2. Understand the Impact of Holding Onto Anger

Ask yourself : Is holding onto this resentment serving me?

Does it bring me peace, or does it keep me stuck in the past?

Often, the person who suffers most from unforgiveness is the one holding onto it.

3. Shift Your Perspective (If Possible)

This doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior, but sometimes understanding why someone acted the way they did can create room for empathy.

Hurt people hurt people.

That doesn’t justify their actions, but it can help loosen the grip of resentment.

4. Write a Letter You’ll Never Send

Expressing your emotions in writing can be incredibly healing.

Write everything you wish you could say—without filters or fear.

Then, tear it up, burn it, or keep it as a reminder of your progress.

5. Decide What Forgiveness Means to You

You don’t have to forgive in the way others expect you to.

Maybe for you, forgiveness is simply letting go of the emotional weight without ever speaking to the person again.

6. Practice Self-Compassion

If you’re struggling to forgive, be kind to yourself.

Healing takes time, and you don’t have to force it.

The fact that you want to forgive means you’re already on the path.

7. Seek Support

Talking to a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist can help you process your feelings.

Sometimes, just verbalizing your struggles makes them easier to navigate.

8. Try Mindfulness and Meditation

Mindfulness helps you stay present rather than dwelling on past pain.

Guided meditations on forgiveness can gently open your heart to healing.

9. Release in Small Steps

Maybe today, you can release 5% of your anger.

Maybe next week, it’ll be another 5%.

Forgiveness isn’t all or nothing—it’s about gradually releasing the burden.

10. Let Time Do Its Work

Healing doesn’t happen overnight.

Some wounds take months or even years to fully close.

And that’s okay.

Don’t rush your process just because society tells you to “move on.”

What If You Never Fully Forgive?

Here’s a hard truth : Some things feel unforgivable.

And maybe you will never reach 100% forgiveness.

That doesn’t mean you’re failing.

Healing doesn’t require complete forgiveness—it requires you to find peace in whatever way works for you.

Maybe forgiveness for you means simply not allowing that pain to define your life anymore.

Maybe it means setting firm boundaries.

Maybe it means accepting that you don’t have to forgive right now — but you are open to the possibility in the future.

Final Thoughts

If you want to forgive but can’t, give yourself grace.

Forgiveness is not about forcing yourself to forget or pretending everything is okay.

It’s about freeing yourself from the grip of anger and resentment—at your own pace.

Your healing is your journey.

Take your time, be kind to yourself, and trust that peace is possible — even if forgiveness feels out of reach today.

And when you’re ready, even if it’s years from now, forgiveness will be waiting for you.